OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
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Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
opening a flower shop called women in stem
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
