OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?