Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Cause of death: Zumba
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.