Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.