Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Sponch
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*