Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

never compromise your values

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Flowers bee like

HOW DARE YOU

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.