Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
mom gave me mine for free
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Wednesday
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.