Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”