Optional boss fight.
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
somebody come look at this
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Stonehinge
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes