Optional boss fight.
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*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
seems like a niche market
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.