Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Things will get butter, keep churning

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.