Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
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I am thick and tired. 🙄
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
True freaking story!
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
rip to my favourite tweet
