Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
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I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.