Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him: How much money do you have?
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My blood type is b hungry.
Forest fires are caused by dragons accidentally sneezing near a tree.
They’re very embarrassed about it and that’s why we never see them
Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.