Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?



Him: How much money do you have?

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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel


My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!


If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.


If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.


[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”


When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.


[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]


Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them