@XplodingUnicorn

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

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@DrakeGatsby

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

@AphroditeAfter5

My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!

@1halfof2

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.

@charmfoz

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

@ThePaigeRandall

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

@ojedge

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

@2Saddington

Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them