Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
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Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Always a metermaid never a meter
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I need to update my racial profile.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.