Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him: How much money do you have?
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If I could have dinner with anybody, living or dead, I’d have pizza.
My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
What doesn’t kill you, tries again.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them