@XplodingUnicorn

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

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@WineMummy

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

@hermanntrude

Forest fires are caused by dragons accidentally sneezing near a tree.

They’re very embarrassed about it and that’s why we never see them

@treywafer

Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Her: why?
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Her: ?
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*

@Vice_Queen

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@daemonic3

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

@yenniwhite

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids