OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Pringles
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special