OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
dead inside
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Aight bet
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards.
He said not now.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected