OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.