Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.