Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.