Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Siri: Retweet me.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
