Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that