[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
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Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Van Gone
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
dark side of the loom
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.