[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
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4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!