[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
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So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens