Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.