Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water