Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

is this a threat

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles