Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pep talk

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets