orange cat behavior
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I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport