orange cat behavior
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.