orange cat behavior
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Why is this me 😫
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.