Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

me before I type out affect or effect

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

Its true…

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.