Orange cat behavior 😂
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Dammit Chief not again
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl