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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Not😆🤣
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am