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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
every olympics i turn into this guy
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.