Orange cat behavior 😂
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
same bro
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Practicing safe sax
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER