Orange cat behavior 😂
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
guilty
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
*gets down on one knee*
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT