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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
I love hard, but I stupid harder.