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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Clients after you give them your rates
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Good morning ☺️
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.