Orange cat behavior 😂
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The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway