Orange cat behavior 😂
You Might Also Like
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
British websites use biscuits.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.