Orange cat behavior 😂
You Might Also Like
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
“The Perfect Relationship”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
For the ones in the back.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.