orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
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Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
The Joker was right
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”