Orange is oranging š
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Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Why hasnāt there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one anotherās soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
Iāve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work š
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DONāT GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: Iām Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: Iām Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Well well well, if it isnāt the āMom, can I spend the night at my friendās house after promā trick.
My kids think theyāre way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age Iād already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Love this one šš§
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope youāre not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldnāt say āserialā
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
āI wouldnāt touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot poleā
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020