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Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Sticker placement is key.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
time for some seasonal decor
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.