Orange is oranging 🟠
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
When can I start eating bats again.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity