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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit