Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?