Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

It was worth a shot 😂

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Who did it better?

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us