Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.