Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
🐶😂
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.