Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?