ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
You Might Also Like
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*jazz hands*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.