ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired