ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Think I pulled my liver
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?