ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
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Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
