Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If looks could kill
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Generation gap…
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Guantanamo Bae
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse