Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
you can only post this today
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO