Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree