[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911