Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99