Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
You better watch out
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.