Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
No selfies while hijacking a train.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.