Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.