Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

This rocks

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.