Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

me, too, girl. me, too.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

Windows

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER