Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?