Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

🍂🕷️🍂

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Did my cat write this

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

if my sleeping schedule was a person

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?