@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

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@CruisinSoozan

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

@ArfMeasures

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

@PinkCamoTO

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

@stephenjmolloy

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

@sixfootcandy

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

@MomofTeen

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

@maymay72x

Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…

Just saying.

@IchBin_Rob

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

@noog

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”