Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.