[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug
[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
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You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”
– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”