Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[on Dating Game]
HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?
[I glance at the stains on my shirt]
ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?
GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.