@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

You Might Also Like

@clichedout

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

@dafloydsta

[on Dating Game]

HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?

[I glance at the stains on my shirt]

ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.

@BucMarvin

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

@YesThatAmy

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

@Reverend_Scott

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

@GayAtHomeDad

If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.