Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*