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[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.