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me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.