Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!