Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”