Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

*updates tinder bio*

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.