Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
bad
worse
worst
worchester
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.