Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

🙀🙀🙀😹

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼